Mental Health is bloody difficult and I’m not going to sugar coat anything! I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that when I write these diaries. So please don’t be thinking that, at the end of the day having mental health conditions can be very isolating. A person can end up thinking they’re alone, no one cares and that no one wants to listen. A lot of the time I won’t tell people how I’m feeling because I feel like they don’t want to know or they don’t believe me and think I’m making things up.
My blog is my safe place, it always has been and I’m hoping it carries on that way. So I wanted a place where I could talk about my mental health over the course of a month, sure I might not have much to say one month, but sure the next month I could easily write a three page essay! If it’s something you want to read about or if you’re in my situation and you want to have some reassurance that you’re not alone, enjoy.
Tip ~ If you’ve read my mental health diaries before you might want to skip over my background and go straight for a month in the life.
So I have a few mental health conditions, literally I won the lottery! You wouldn’t always think it when you look at me, you might be thinking there’s nothing really wrong; I’ve learned to hide it. Where to start, I have BPD (Behavioral Personality Disorder) which can also be known as Emotional personality disorder or just a mild form of Bipolar!
I’ve also got OCD (Obsessive Compulsory Disorder) which isn’t fun at all. Anxiety, paranoia oh and the normal depression! Everything is nicely diagnosed and it took me almost two years in the system to get there. The system as I call it can be a long process and can put a great deal of stress on someone, I suffer with stress but it comes and goes and isn’t a constant.
Did I mention I won the lottery? I’m full of it and I try my best to maintain it and sort it out on a regular, daily and ongoing basis! Which leads me to my next point, what do I do in order to do so?!
I’m dealing with it! I’m fine…..
So if you’re here to shame me because I take medication to keep my mentality at a “normal” state, I’ve heard it all so go play with traffic or maybe educate yourself? I take 100mg of Lamotrigine twice a day! Trust me it does my head in trying to remember every day. In fact last year I was only taking 100mg once a day although with added stress and problems I’ve been having this year I have had to increase that. To be honest my dose can change as well but twice a day is becoming the norm for me.
Of course there are loads of other ways that I’m dealing with my mental health although that leads me onto my next part, how I’ve actually been this month and if I’ve had to do anything in order to cope and keep myself sane a little longer!
A month in the life of a mental health survivor….
So I’m not going to sugar coat anything in this section, what would be the point? Being honest this month has been a roller coaster, that’s putting it mild. At the start of the month I was told by my Doctor that I should maybe take some time away from studies and the stress in my life, the stress was causing me to come up in itching fits and other various symptoms. So I notified my lecturers at university and planned a few days away in Birmingham.
The trip was going great, on the last day I met up with my other half and we went to visit his family. I was actually starting to feel a lot better and less stressed. We had a nice weekend, I was a little anxious and worried at a surprise party as a few drunk guys were hanging around so I stayed out the way. I also met LOADS of family on my partners side so that was anxious, not too bad though and I was really enjoying myself. I did discover some amazing new shower gel though! I keep talking about it, you’d think I was on commission but I’m really not!
It wasn’t till we were coming home the problems started! On the 26th thanks to the incompetence of a certain service station I was involved in an accident that landed me in the hospital for over 7 hours. An ambulance had to come and pick me up, at first I was anxious and a little stressed due to everyone staring at me, it then got a whole lot worse! I was put in a stretcher, spinal board and neck brace. Strapped down and unable to move, I knew my other half was following the ambulance but it took him longer to get to me as he had to park. In the mean time I was wheeled out the way and left in a corridor.
Being honest, no one at that hospital cared about mental health; it wasn’t a big deal. I was left alone, couldn’t move and was panicked. I starting crying, I couldn’t breath and I was having a panic attack. I begged a health care assistance (who was lovely) to go find my partner and when she did I couldn’t let go of his hand. I must have had like 7 panic attacks just in the hospital, at one point I couldn’t breath and was clawing at my neck brace to escape. I could see police out the corner of my eye, I could hear people shouting and arguing, it wasn’t nice! On top of that I had the worst doctor ever!
The doctor I was given, in one word was a C&%T!! He proceeded to tell me around 4 times that because I was a big lad there would be complications, for example they couldn’t do an x-ray because I was too big (my GP confirmed this was bullshit). He ended up telling me that I was fine and nothing was wrong, I told him that I was having terrible back pain and he told me I was making things up! I said that my ankle was so bad I couldn’t walk and his reply was “There’s nothing wrong with you, you have aggravated an old injury and you’ve damaged cartilage that might take a couple months to heal, nothing wrong with you at all.”.
So I had the worst time of my life my injuries are very much real and thankfully I have an amazing GP at home who is helping me through it all, a week later and I’m still in pain, my foot is swollen and bruised. I can’t walk or move fast because of my back and neck! All I took away from it though was that I’m a liar and a waste of time. Some people need to think before they talk, even more so if they’re supposed to have a duty of care! Not to mention, the panic attacks didn’t end after I left the hospital, it’s 3rd March and I’m still getting them!
The highlight towards the end of the month though has to be the amazing snow! Snow is magical and I love it so it lifted me up slightly, even if I couldn’t go out and enjoy it as much as I’d have liked to! I’ve also had to crack out the Anxiety comfort box a few times since the accident! I’m planning on doing a video soon explaining them and letting you know how you can make one without breaking the bank!
Let’s wrap this up then shall we? My month started off bad, it started getting better and then it was like the devil dragging me down to hell for brunch! If I didn’t have the support of my friends, family and amazing partner I have no idea what I would have done! My partner managed to cheer me up when I felt like I couldn’t breath or want to live as you can see above and my family and friends have been supportive, listened and cared.
It just goes to show that it doesn’t matter what happens, big or small; it can have a huge impact on a persons life. I hope that by writing this down and having it there for people to read, at least one person will know they’re not alone. If you are that person and you feel like you need help, contact someone; the GP or a charity but just make sure you talk to a professional who can signpost you to the help you need.
I hope you liked this post, if you didn’t let me know why not and if you did please let me know. Hopefully I’ll see you for next month and you can find out if I’ve had the month from hell or if the heavens shined down on me! If you want to check out some of the ways I cope with mental health and anxiety check out my other mental health posts!
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